She’s hardly over a hundred pounds but she desperately grasps any fat on her stomach and lets out a sigh. Her thighs are too big, she explains. She’s just not all that happy. In a society in which are told to not take up too much space, you become smaller and receive applause. So you comfort her because body image is tricky to deal with. You tell her that she is thin and this is an ideal in society, hoping they may cheer her up. She mentions in between complaints, “I’m sorry I’m complaining about this to you.”
Why would she be sorry to complain about this to you? You explain that she not apologize. Body image is not about how much you weigh. It is about how you feel in your body. You know this is true but why does her question then linger? And you feel good, or you felt good until she apologized. You search your brain for proof that your body is enough, to prove your case to her. That she really did not need to apologize because of your regular workout schedule and nutrition-based meals. All those YouTube videos on the ‘set point’ theory and eating intuitively. Your body was good, you tell yourself. Your body is enough.
But her judgment lays on the edge of your thoughts tiptoeing around in the background as you look in the mirror and you wonder, why is she so sorry to complain about this to you? In ‘Americanah’, one of the characters comments how in America, being called ‘fat’ is an insult, rather than something purely informative. And with her apology, you realize how she may see you in her eyes, and despite your resolve not to care, it bothers you. It burrows into your thoughts and settles into your sub-conscience. Because in America weight holds judgement, it measures values.
So you tell a few friends about it and end off by saying how you’re happy with how you look that extreme thinness isn’t even in anymore. Your statement is met by silence so you tell someone else about how you’re so content with your appearance. You keep searching and pressing, longing for that affirmation that you never receive. Your body is enough. Your quasi contentment is again met by a gentle nod and you realize, you are not as independent or confident as you imagined. You were fine with your body but only as long as others were fine with it too.
