A part of me is really scared to write this post, but I remember hearing once that one day I will be more upset about the things I didn’t do than the things I did do. So here goes nothing. From the time I was almost 12 years old up until now I had it programmed into my brain that I would only be really and truly happy if I had a boyfriend. It was something to put on my mental checklist; first I needed a killer relationship with God, then awesome grades, then obviously a handsome and charismatic boyfriend. That was what I thought defined a well adjusted and even more so, happy person. I really did. And how could I not?
I remember playing a game of truth or dare at eighteen (just last year…) with a group of 14 year olds at some family friend’s gathering. I was asked the first “taboo” question, before then all of the dares were along of the lines of, “I dare you to…SING A REBECCA BLACK SONG!” I know right? Crazy stuff, we partied hard. But anyway, back on topic. I was asked if I ever had a boyfriend, being one of the oldest playing the game I think they assumed I would say “ohhh yeah of course.” But when I answered no I was met by such a unique mix of faces of both shock and maybe even a little disgust. I may have been imagining the disgust part, but I sure felt it. That was the culture and the mentality I grew up with. Because I didn’t have a boyfriend before I was weird. Because I didn’t have a guy by my side I must have been missing something in life. The game eventually proceeded with the same girl who asked me if I ever dated anyone explaining to the group in explicit detail her previous liaisons. I felt stupid.
I wish I could say this ended freshman year of college. I was honestly kind of still scoping the field. I knew I wouldn’t date anyone but I couldn’t help but want to keep my options open deep down inside. I still had this idea that being in a relationship made you a happier person and I couldn’t help but feeling like something was wrong with me for not being in one before.
I tried analyzing my personality, was there something inherently uninteresting about me? Then I turned my looks and even my weight, was I just really unattractive? I’m being blunt with you now because I know I’m not the only person to ever feel this way. I felt like something was wrong with me because I hadn’t found anyone in all this time. There had to be.
Needless to say I was wrong. I don’t like to toot my own horn…actually I do… but I am a good person and at least I find myself attractive. But my self worth and identity was so wrapped into whether or not I had a boyfriend that so many times it was just too hard for me to see this in myself. And if I were to continue with this whole honesty thing- anyone can get a boyfriend. Literally anyone. If you were to think of the blandest unattractive person you have ever encountered I promise there is someone equally as bland and unattractive who would jump at the chance to enter a relationship with them. It’s kind of like survival of the fittest middle school style. You can find a way.
So if I’m telling you that your self worth isn’t defined by your significant other, or that you value isn’t something that others define, where does that leave you? Well I’m going to share a little piece of advice I learned from Francis Chan, stop trying to find your perfect person. All of these feelings of acceptance and love that you are trying to get from one person are horribly displaced. The only person who can provide that for you isn’t even really a person (…well there is a trinity) it’s God. Can you imagine how God feels during this entire period, hello he’s been here all along. He formed you in your mother’s womb and made you perfectly and here you are feeling as though you are not good enough for another one of his creations. What? How does that even happen bro? But he sees this and despite our every attempt to push God away he is still always there for us. We wander away from his lovely pasture and he leaves behind the 99 other sheep to find us! That’s the God we serve!
Instead of worrying about finding your perfect person, work on you and your relationship with God, that is what is MOST important! Because people change their minds, they are fickle, hurtful and hard to please but God on the other hand… Oh don’t even get me started. He knows us better than we know ourselves and loves us despite our every shortcoming. I’m reminded of a passage that says that anyone could love someone who loves him or her but it’s hard to love someone who hates you. But he does just this. Every single time we turn away from his presence he is still there for us. Every single time.
By the way, love is not a race and relationships are not like job offers. You don’t get brownie points by having job references from your past relationships or because of all of the things you’ve done before. It’s not a race or a contest and if it was … I’m pretty sure the prize would be an STD…let’s not.
You do not need a boyfriend to be happy. You don’t. So many times these feelings are just so displaced. Being transparent with all my readers it’s really for me to put this out there. It’s hard to admit that I ever felt this way before or that sometimes I’m not confident, in fact sometimes I feel just the opposite. I want to feel loved and accepted and fail to realize God has always there to love and accept me. But I hope that maybe if there is someone out there who feels the same way as I once did they can maybe realize what I realize now. You don’t need a boyfriend to be happy. You need God.