I remember when I first started my blog and YouTube channel, online creators and even friends warned me that when you first start creating, no one cares about you. You have to sprinkle in who you are into what people care about and then one day, they’ll read your posts or watch your videos for you and not just what you teach/offer to ‘add value’.
Why was it then that when I stumbled across a total stranger’s blog with her life updates and thoughts, I found myself captivated by how much I could relate to a fellow human’s very human experience? Because of this stranger’s blog and how much I related to her, I decided to write this post. 2020 has been hard for me. It has been disappointing and more than not meeting my initial expectations, it has been anything but consistent but still, 2020 is a year I feel so unusually grateful for.
Not too long ago, I remember joking to my counselor that every year of my life was beginning to feel like Groundhogs day. You see, when you’re younger, your life is filled with constant change. It is akin to eating a meal at a buffet with each bite of your meal bringing in a host of new flavors. Then you get older and there are so many things are beyond your control, and certain aspects of life remain constant. Rather than changing grades or going off to new places for school or starting new jobs- life stabilizes. It becomes like eating oatmeal for breakfast every day. Sure it may be good for you and even kinda yummy, but there’s a bit of apathy in the expected.
For four years I lived in the same apartment and worked at the same job and lived (for the most part) with the same roommates at the same school building. I was itching for change but Covid-19 wasn’t what I imagined. I don’t think Covid is what anyone imagined. Many times we want certain changes in our lives but not others. And though I wanted my life to ‘change’, uncertainty wasn’t the type of change that I had in mind.
One of the hardest aspects of me to wrestle within 2020 is the total lack of routine and certainty brought forward by Covid. My once very reliable and comfortable living situation was suddenly shaken up. One roommate was no longer even in the state but was still paying rent and agreed to pay rent to a certain date. My other roommate planned to leave the country sometime soon. Life was no longer Groundhogs day but I was suddenly hungry for the mundane and security found in the expected, the expected that I had once taken for granted and begrudgingly accepted.
While it was cute in my early 20s to complain about the pressure to get married and how I planned to valiantly ignore society’s expectations and see what I truly wanted for myself as well as what honored God- this felt less cute in my late 20s. In my late 20s living with roommates no longer had the same charm and I watched slowly as the lives of my friends changed and weeknight hangouts transformed to seeing each other only on weekends. Because now we’re older and honestly, kinda tired! And after a long day of work, staying in suddenly sounds like an amazing plan.
How does one accept the unknown? How does one accept what we do not desire? One day your job is in person and the next it could be remote. My type-A personality is frazzled at trying to plan a calendar that constantly shifts and ebbs as life as we know it changes constantly.
I decided to turn to Instagram for advice, as one does. I was given a whole host of suggestions. Yes, take time to rest and find the beauty in every day but more than this, remember that even now, that especially now, God is still God. My natural doubting self is forced in this season to trust, to have faith.
2020 means that I must rest more on God and turn to him for my concerns and my needs. Because where my planning and preparation ends, I meet my uncertainty with God’s wisdom. The God who knows how everything we end and who guides my every step. Because as much as 2020 has brought forward uncertainty and change in my life, it has brought about the most beautiful change.
For a season, remote learning meant more time as I no longer had to commute to work daily. My 6 am wake-up time changed to a comfortable 7:30am. I had more time with family than I had in years since moving out. The late nights with friends changed to long talks with my older brother and mom or random hangouts with my cousin who lived next door. We celebrated my younger brother’s birthday and then my older brother’s birthday indoors with board games instead of at loud restaurants. My younger sister and I bonded over whatever Netflix show we hadn’t both yet watched.
In 2020, my YouTube channel was monetized after years of inconsistent and later consistent uploading with minimal views. I shared my life in video and found an audience (however small) who began to consistently comment and offer my edification and support for my messages and struggles.
I cooked and baked until my mom’s kitchen was lined with all-purpose flour and sprinkled with thyme. Pulling out her kitchen aid mixer and food processor became a daily task and after years of saying I just didn’t know how to cook, I could make a tasty biriyani and a tart lemon bar among other yummy dishes.
I never wanted 2020. No one wanted this 2020. But 2020 was what God gave. I remember being a kid and getting a sweater for Christmas. Being the extremely transparent and over-communicative child that I was, I informed my family friends that I would have much rather received a Barbie than a piece of clothing. But like the wise adult who knew I had plenty of toys already but needed something warm and new for my growing body, 2020 was the sweater we needed but never asked for.
I used to think that God was not always faithful in my life when things did not pan out as I planned or desired. We imagine what we think is best for ourselves and if we are not careful, we may miss out on what we actually need most.